When my husband and I were asked to go on staff at our church in Prescott, we were thrilled! It was fall of 2014 and with one phone call from our pastor, our entire life changed. There was so much change, we had to pack our house and move, we both put in our notice at our jobs, our schedule and life in general was completely different. Two weeks before we were asked to go on staff we found out we were going to have a baby! There were so many changes and it seemed to be fitting together so perfectly.
We found an amazing Doctor whom we both loved. Our first appointment went awesome, right away my husband's personality and the doctors mixed perfectly. They were having a great time together. They had me come back a few weeks later for an ultrasound and of course we were nervous and excited, not knowing what to expect or experience because this was new for us. The lady who did the ultrasound was quiet, as she took measurements, she had us wait for the doctor to call us back to a room and speak with us. I remember thinking that was strange, but I didn't know what was normal at that point either. The doctor called us back and with tears in his eyes he had to tell us that our little baby didn't have a heart beat, and that it was six weeks along and there should be a beating heart at that point. I remember that day so clearly, the shock, and all the unbelief that flooded my mind. "What is happening?" I remember crying and hugging my husband, I couldn't even speak I was completely in denial. The doctor was gentle and kind to us with his words. Even as I'm typing this now I am in tears, that pain was unlike any other. One thing that I have learned, is there are simply no right words. No words can heal the pain of losing a child.
I cried for hours that day, as I sat on my bed and called my sister and close friends to let them know the bad news, I remember them praying over me and them saying over and over again, "I'm so sorry!" Like I said, there are no right words.
We believed that this was an attack from the enemy. We decided we were going to pray and contend for a miracle. We asked some close friends to pray and believe with us for God to do a miracle. Over the next few weeks the doctors were watching the hormone levels in my blood. Each time going in I would pray to get a call that the levels were going up. It was painful when I got the call that they started to drop.
While we were on staff we had been given two words about having a son. One was from an elderly lady in the church, she told Justin, "Your wife is going to have a baby and it's going to be a boy" completely out of no where. This was after we lost the baby. The second one was this lady we visited who asked for prayer, she had just moved into the city and was looking for a church. She was saved and filled with Gods spirit. We were at her house for a few hours and I remember praising God with her and speaking in tongues. Out of no where again she said, "Pray about what you name your son!" Justin responded with, "We already have a name." She repeated herself, "Pray about it." Those words have stuck with me and Justin and I both agree, that experience was for us more than it was for her.
We were only on staff for three months and then we got sent to Fresno to pioneer a church! We were shocked at how fast that transition happened, we went on staff because of an emergency, normally couples get six months or more on staff, it's rare that they get less than that; we got three. We were ready to go, and ready to be used by God in a different place. We arrived in Fresno on February 2nd, 2015 and from the start God granted us favor. It is such an amazing thing to be in God's will!
A few months later I took a pregnancy test and it was positive! This was eight months after the first pregnancy. I decided I was going to surprise Justin on his birthday with the news. The night of his birthday I told him and he said, "I knew it!" We were confident that this time things would be different.
Every six months we have our international Bible conference in Prescott, it was July and we were on our way. Not many people knew I was pregnant. I had scheduled an appointment with the doctor we had seen before and he was glad to see us again. We had an ultrasound and it was the most incredible experience. We got to see our little baby! We got to see the heart beat on the screen pounding away! Wow, the relief that I felt lift off of me was like a ton of bricks. We still have the video on our computer.
After the conference we returned home and scheduled an appointment with a doctor in our new city. It was a few weeks after the ultrasound that we had in Prescott. We met the doctor and right away I felt like he wasn't the one for us. In fact he scared me so badly I was crying at the first appointment. Huge turn off. I look back now and realize we shouldn't have gone back.
We had an ultrasound scheduled with him a few weeks later. I'm nervous and not very thrilled because I wasn't satisfied with the doctor. He goes to do the ultrasound and measures the baby and he said it was measuring small, it was supposed to be measuring almost thirteen weeks at that point. He listened for the heart beat and to our shock and unbelief, it wasn't there. This time I really could not believe it. We had seen the heart beat, it was there, it was healthy and normal. What happened? Why is this happening? The doctor left the room and Justin and I were confused and discouraged. I remember feeling so hurt. I felt like my heart was literally being crushed. "Why do we have to go through this again?" Justin held me and I cried. He prayed over me and the child. We asked the doctor to schedule an additional ultrasound and even though he was very doubtful, he did. We prayed against the doctors negative words and against the fear and doubt that he spoke into us from that very first appointment.
Justin fasted for a week, and prayed. We didn't tell anyone. We just prayed and believed God. We weren't about to accept this. We went back to the doctor and we were believing for a miracle. They took a urine sample and they said that looked like the hormone was going up. I was even more hopeful. Then the doctor did an ultrasound, and as he did he seemed so shocked. He said, "I can't believe it, there's a fetal heartbeat!" Oh the anxiety that left me at that moment, I can't begin to explain to you. Then he said they were going to double check just to make sure. Once he did that, he realized it wasn't the baby's heart pounding away, it was my own heart. My heart was beating so fast I don't think I had ever felt it like that in my life. He apologized and said he would be back and we could talk about what our next step would be. I remember sitting up, looking at my husband and crying. The tears wouldn't stop. It was a steady flow of tears and I felt so discouraged. I felt like my heart was literally crushed by the strongest man on earth.
The doctor came back in and talked to us about our options. We scheduled a follow up appointment and I'll spare you from the next two weeks of details. It was the worst pain I had ever experienced emotionally and physically. One thing I will share that helped me was my pastor, he called me and asked me how I was. Then he prayed over me and my heart, just thinking about it now brings me to tears. I couldn't respond to him, I was choking over my own tears. I remember thanking him and hanging up and being so grateful for that phone call.
One thing I learned is that there are no right words. There are no magic words that can take the pain away. There's no hug, no special formula, no medication that can heal that wound. I wish it was that simple, but it's a lot deeper than that. I also learned that pretending like it never happened is like pouring salt on a open wound. Some people don't know what to do, they don't know how to comfort or help; so they go on like it never happened. The problem with that is this, there has to be a healing and grieving process. It has to be handled and addressed. That's another thing our pastor told us. He said, "You have to allow yourself to mourn. This is a process. It's ok to cry". What wisdom. In order to heal, it is healthy to mourn. It is healthy to cry. The process will be more than one day. I remember him saying, In a year from now you won't be in the same position that you are in now." This takes time, you have to allow yourself the time to heal.
Let me get back to where I was. Here we are, in a new home, a new state, pioneering a church and grieving the loss of our second child.
On August twenty second I was reading my Bible, I remember this very distinctly because after that day I didn't read my Bible for three days. I opened up to a scripture a sweet friend of mine had sent to encourage me. It was Psalm 126:5-6 "Those who sow in tears shall reap in joy. He who continually goes forth weeping, bearing seed for sowing, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him."
I was touched and encouraged by that scripture. There is hope, it says, "shall doubtless come again bringing his sheaves with him!" I continued on reading in Psalm 127. Verse 1: "Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it; unless the Lord guards the city, the watchman stays awake in vain." Verse 2: "It is vain for you to rise up early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows; for so He gives His beloved sleep." Verse 3 is what shook me. Verse 3: "Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward."
If you could take a peek in my blue leather Bible, you would still be able to see the tears that fell from my eyes and wrinkled that thin piece of paper. It says, "The fruit of the womb is a reward." I felt like God was punishing me. Surely if I wasn't able to have children and had to suffer losing two of them, that's what this meant. The opposite of a reward is a punishment. For some reason, this was God's way of punishing me. I closed my Bible and continued to cry. For the next three days I didn't pray or read my Bible. I was confused in my mind and I didn't know what to believe.
This scripture began to torment me. Justin and I were sitting in bed one night and I finally told him what was making me so upset. I read him the scripture and I told him that I felt like God was punishing me. I remember him looking at me and saying, "That's from hell." Then he laid his hands on my head and prayed over me and commanded the enemy to leave me alone. I'm so thankful that God gave me a man who called the enemy for what he is and didn't allow him to torment me anymore.
In October my older brother got married, him and his soon to be wife asked me to be in the wedding. Either way I wouldn't have missed that day for the world. Justin had to stay home and take care of the church. I flew to Illinois and visited with my older sister for two days then from there, with her husband and three kids we took a long drive all the way to Delaware. The wedding was gorgeous and so was every little detail. The night before the wedding my sister and her husband, who is also a pastor in our fellowship, laid hands and prayed over me. My husband was on FaceTime and we all agreed together for a miracle in my womb, we all prayed for a child.
After hours of traveling, headed back home, I was exhausted. The airport I flew into is around two hours away from our home. It was a Wednesday night that I got in, Justin decided to go to the church there and then pick me up from the airport after the service. While he was at the church our good friends who pastor the church gave him a book for us to read. It had been given to them, it helped them and they wanted it to do the same for us.
After hours of traveling, headed back home, I was exhausted. The airport I flew into is around two hours away from our home. It was a Wednesday night that I got in, Justin decided to go to the church there and then pick me up from the airport after the service. While he was at the church our good friends who pastor the church gave him a book for us to read. It had been given to them, it helped them and they wanted it to do the same for us.
Justin arrived at the airport and I was so excited to see him! Eight days without him was eight days too long. After a few minutes of hugs and catching up he gave me the book, I remember feeling my heart drop. I thought it was nice that they thought of us but I also felt a little bummed out. The name of the book is Supernatural Childbirth. The fact that it was about conception and children was a bit of a downer and just another reminder of the pain we had experienced.
The next day curiosity got ahold of me, and you already know what I'm going to say. I picked up the book, sat down on the couch and in one sitting read the entire book from cover to cover. Now, just so you know a little bit about me, I'm not a big reader, I wish I was but I'm not. There was something different about this book, it captivated me. It had scriptures from the Bible, personal testimonies of people who were unable to conceive for various reasons and people who had also lost babies. It also has stories of couples who were told they would never be able to have children. This book shared miracles that God did in people's lives, people like us who have lost babies. This book talks about claiming the promises of God, praying over your body and commanding it to do what God created it to do. Now this may seem extreme, but so is the statement: "You will never be able to carry a child." We have to decide which one is better. What did I want? A child of course. This book opened my eyes to the reality that as a child of the most high God, my inheritance is children. Children are a gift and a blessing from God. As soon as I finished reading this book I told Justin he needed to read it. He read it and we agreed together to contend and claim the promise of children.
Every day we prayed over my body and commanded it in the name of Jesus to carry a child. Some days it would be just me praying over myself, but I still did it and I believed that God would do this miracle. The Bible talks about the character of God, He is faithful, He is constant and He does not change or lie. Malachi 3:6 "For I am the LORD, I do not change." That's about as clear as it gets! If He did miracles for these people in this book, then surely He could do a miracle for us. I love this scripture, "For there is no partiality with God." Romans 2:11 He doesn't pick favorites, actually He does; we are all His favorites.
On November 11th I took a pregnancy test, to our excitement it was positive! We continued to pray over my body and commanded it in the name of Jesus to do what God created it to do. In Genesis 1:28 it says, "Then God blessed them, and God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply." It's still interesting to me that God commanded them to do that. Because of this scripture we started praying, "God, children are your idea, You made this up we didn't."
The next day curiosity got ahold of me, and you already know what I'm going to say. I picked up the book, sat down on the couch and in one sitting read the entire book from cover to cover. Now, just so you know a little bit about me, I'm not a big reader, I wish I was but I'm not. There was something different about this book, it captivated me. It had scriptures from the Bible, personal testimonies of people who were unable to conceive for various reasons and people who had also lost babies. It also has stories of couples who were told they would never be able to have children. This book shared miracles that God did in people's lives, people like us who have lost babies. This book talks about claiming the promises of God, praying over your body and commanding it to do what God created it to do. Now this may seem extreme, but so is the statement: "You will never be able to carry a child." We have to decide which one is better. What did I want? A child of course. This book opened my eyes to the reality that as a child of the most high God, my inheritance is children. Children are a gift and a blessing from God. As soon as I finished reading this book I told Justin he needed to read it. He read it and we agreed together to contend and claim the promise of children.
Every day we prayed over my body and commanded it in the name of Jesus to carry a child. Some days it would be just me praying over myself, but I still did it and I believed that God would do this miracle. The Bible talks about the character of God, He is faithful, He is constant and He does not change or lie. Malachi 3:6 "For I am the LORD, I do not change." That's about as clear as it gets! If He did miracles for these people in this book, then surely He could do a miracle for us. I love this scripture, "For there is no partiality with God." Romans 2:11 He doesn't pick favorites, actually He does; we are all His favorites.
On November 11th I took a pregnancy test, to our excitement it was positive! We continued to pray over my body and commanded it in the name of Jesus to do what God created it to do. In Genesis 1:28 it says, "Then God blessed them, and God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply." It's still interesting to me that God commanded them to do that. Because of this scripture we started praying, "God, children are your idea, You made this up we didn't."
We decided we were going to look for a new doctor and we prayed and asked God to give us one. We began searching the internet and reading about different offices and doctors. I still remember the moment we found the one. Justin found it on his computer and I found it on my phone. I called right then and set up an appointment.
We ended up going back to Arizona for another Bible conference in January. I was 14 weeks pregnant and only close friends and family knew. We were confident that God did this miracle for us and that He who began this good work would finish it. The first time we felt the baby kick from the outside was when I was 14 weeks pregnant. Justin had his hand on my belly and I made a point not to say anything like, "Did you feel that?" Just because I wanted him to really feel it without me making him think he did just because I said the baby moved. All of the sudden the baby gave us a wild kick, Justin yelled in excitement! It was the most powerful movement I had felt up until that point. We believe it was confirmation from God that this was His work and that everything was all right.
By the time we had our first doctors appointment I was already 19 weeks pregnant. The first appointment went amazing, we loved the nurse practitioner. She was incredibly positive and kind. She measured my belly with a measuring tape and put some blue gel on my stomach and we got to hear our baby's heart beat for the first time! It was the most beautiful sound. I remember feeling so glad and relieved. Because I was so far along she did a quick ultrasound, it was almost like we didn't have time to prepare for it, but I think that was best. She took us into a little room and we got to see our little human moving around. I can't describe in words how exactly I felt, but I can say this much I, felt the faithfulness of God.
The next day we were scheduled for another ultrasound which would be the official ultrasound where they would measure all the body parts and see how everything was going. I was nervous and excited, I remember the lady calling us back and then shutting the door to the tiny crammed room behind us. As she measured she explained to us what she was doing. We got to see that the kidneys had fluid in them so they were functioning. We got to see the little profile and itty bitty feet and toes and we got to see that heart pounding away! We had asked her not to tell us the gender because we wanted to have a gender reveal party, she had us close our eyes while she looked and it took everything in me not to peek. She took the pictures of the gender and put them in an envelope for us. She printed out a few other pictures of the baby's profile, little feet, brain and the heart beating away.
We gave the envelope that was sealed with the gender inside to Justin's sister. With the help of a few others, she threw us the most amazing gender reveal party. It was on February 1st. The theme of the party was milk and cookies. It was pretty fitting because Justin is obsessed with milk! The way the gender was going to be revealed was by the milk. Justin's sister found this adorable vintage pitcher that had a cow on it and it was white so we couldn't see through it. If the milk was chocolate then it was a boy, if it was strawberry then it was a girl. Justin held the glass while I poured the milk into the clear glass. The milk was chocolate! We were having a baby boy!
By the time we had our first doctors appointment I was already 19 weeks pregnant. The first appointment went amazing, we loved the nurse practitioner. She was incredibly positive and kind. She measured my belly with a measuring tape and put some blue gel on my stomach and we got to hear our baby's heart beat for the first time! It was the most beautiful sound. I remember feeling so glad and relieved. Because I was so far along she did a quick ultrasound, it was almost like we didn't have time to prepare for it, but I think that was best. She took us into a little room and we got to see our little human moving around. I can't describe in words how exactly I felt, but I can say this much I, felt the faithfulness of God.
The next day we were scheduled for another ultrasound which would be the official ultrasound where they would measure all the body parts and see how everything was going. I was nervous and excited, I remember the lady calling us back and then shutting the door to the tiny crammed room behind us. As she measured she explained to us what she was doing. We got to see that the kidneys had fluid in them so they were functioning. We got to see the little profile and itty bitty feet and toes and we got to see that heart pounding away! We had asked her not to tell us the gender because we wanted to have a gender reveal party, she had us close our eyes while she looked and it took everything in me not to peek. She took the pictures of the gender and put them in an envelope for us. She printed out a few other pictures of the baby's profile, little feet, brain and the heart beating away.
We gave the envelope that was sealed with the gender inside to Justin's sister. With the help of a few others, she threw us the most amazing gender reveal party. It was on February 1st. The theme of the party was milk and cookies. It was pretty fitting because Justin is obsessed with milk! The way the gender was going to be revealed was by the milk. Justin's sister found this adorable vintage pitcher that had a cow on it and it was white so we couldn't see through it. If the milk was chocolate then it was a boy, if it was strawberry then it was a girl. Justin held the glass while I poured the milk into the clear glass. The milk was chocolate! We were having a baby boy!
Over the next four months it was incredible to see the growth of my stomach. There would be days where I literally felt like I was dreaming, and I didn't want to wake up. We continued to have our regular doctor appointments, each time we got to hear our sons heartbeat! Each appointment gave me such relief. God had given us this miracle.
Although everything was going smoothly for myself and the baby that didn't mean the enemy stopped attacking. In fact, he continued to attack me in my mind. God did a miracle for us but the enemy wasn't happy. Whenever I would have a thought of fear or doubt come into my mind, I would judge it. I realized I couldn't give into fear because fear is to the Devil what faith is to God. There's a scripture in the Bible that says, "Bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ" (2 Corinthians 10:5) I learned to do this. I did it so often that I got pretty good at calling the Devil out for what he is; a liar. I would say to myself, "That is not from God, Devil I reject you. You have no right to torment me, I am a child of God. Leave me alone!" Then the thought would leave. Sometimes I would have to do this five or ten times per day, some days I wouldn't have to do it at all. I learned that using Gods word is the most powerful weapon I have. I continued to speak scriptures over our child and over my body and mind.
On June 23rd 2016 at 6:02 pm we welcomed our precious son Azariah Scott Manzanares into the world! He weighed 6 pounds 15 ounces and measured 20 inches long. The name Azariah (Az-uh-rahy-uh) means: "Whom the Lord helps." It's a Bible name. If you're familiar with the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego in Daniel 3; Azariah is Abednego's Hebrew name. We felt like it was fitting for our son because he is a miracle. God helped Abednego (Azariah) as he went through the fire and God helped our son Azariah to be brought into this world and I am confident that He will continue to help him because He is a faithful God!
Thank you for taking the time to read this testimony. All the glory goes to God, He is a miracle worker and He has shown us His grace and mercy. We are incredibly grateful for His faithfulness and we are grateful that we can take Him at His word.
